Sattusin taaskord ühe laheda video peale, mis inspireeris mind kirjutama. (Scroll down to read English)
Videot saab vaadata
SIIT
Mind on ühe rohkem ja rohkem hakanud hämmastama inimeste lood enda paarisuhetest ning sellest, kuidas nad ei ole rahul enda kaaslasega.
Selle peale on inglise keeles üks väga hea küsimus:
How come you got together with him/ her? (Ehk siis kuidas see juhtus, et sa temaga kokku said?)
Mõtlemisainet.
Olen selle üle pikalt pead murdnud....
Mõtle ka Sina selle üle korraks.
Kas sa oled rahul enda paarisuhtega, enda kaaslasega. Kas pigem tahad enamik aega üksi olla ja enda elu elada või on vastupidi? Kas oled enda kaaslasesse endiselt veel pärast paari aastat kooselu või kohtamas käimist armunud või oled pigem tüdinenud ning tahad muutust? Kas sa teed kõik, et suhe oleks terve ja tore või oled alla andnud. Miks? Mis juhtus?
Kui vaja, siis võta enda aega ja kirjuta üles.
Videost
Selle video alguses küsib sõber: Mida sa siis sellest tüdrukust tead, kellega esimesele kohtingule lähed ning mees vastab, et teab ainult, et ta nimi on Rachel ning et nad kohtusid peol. Muud olulist infot ta aga ei oska öelda. Samas aga on tal teatud ettekujutus naisest, kellega ta kohtuma läheb ning ilmselt on ka silme ees ta "pilt peolt", milline ta välja nägi.
Aga kas see on väga adekvaatne, see pilt?
Sest oletame korraks, et ta oli peol ning nägi seda imeilusat naist ning armus temasse seepärast, et ta olid ilusad juuksed või silmad või keha või mistahes.
Aga milline see naine sisemiselt on, seda ta ei tea ning väga paljud inimesed, kes on abielus või suhtes ei tunne enda kaaslast, vaid ainult arvavad teadvat.
Selle peale meenub mulle kord loetud väike lõik:
You know how people buy drinks for girls in the bars? Why can't people do that in book stores? Like if I'm looking at a novel in Barnes and Noble and some person walks up a conversation and offers to buy the book for me there is a lot better chance of that working out in their favor.
(Eesti keeles, et teate seda korda kui naisterahvastele tehakse jooke välja?Miks mitte aga ei paku keegi raamatupoes, nähes et ma vaatan mõnda huvitavat raamatut, välja, et ostab mulle selle raamatu? Võimalus sellisel juhul, et nende suhe toimiks on ju suurem.)
Minu suhetest ja suhtumisest ning muutustest aja jooksul
Mina pooldan selle lõigu kohast arvamust, mõistes seda nii, et eelistada raamatute lugejaid alkoholitarbijatele. Kuna ma ei ole juba pool aastat üldse alkoholi tarbinud ning 95% olen karsklane olnud juba pea 1,5 aastat, siis olen mõistnud enda suhete kvaliteedi muutust. Ma olen viimase paari aasta jooksul hakanud meeste kvaliteeti tajuma. Hindan nende kvaliteeti selle järgi, kui kaua suudavad nad minuga arukat vestlust üleval hoida, ilma labaseks muutumata või nõmedaid nalju tegemata ning aru saada minu maailmavaatest.
Inimesed mu ümber on muutunud võrreldes nelja aasta taguse ajaga, mu sõbrad on valdavas enamuses alkoholi mittetarbijad ning meesterahvad, kelle seltskonnas mul au olla on, on arukad ning targad ning liiguvad enda elu eesmärkide suunas, mitte pelgalt töö-reedese peo ning laupäevase pohmaka vahet.
Mul on hea meel, sest vaadates tagasi umbes neli aastat, olin selle sama teelõigu alguses, mis oleks võinud viia halbade inimeste, õnnetu suhte ning kurva eluni.
Õnneks aga otsustasin parema tee kasuks, tundes et see vist ikka ei ole päris minu jaoks, sest tundsin end kogu aeg pisut kõrgemast klassist olevat, et lihtsalt end alkoholi uputada ning pürgisin edasi, sain enda elukogemuse USAs oldud vahetusaastast ning õppisin ka meesterahvaste ning peresuhete kohta palju. Õppisin, et mitte alati ei pruugi ilusate silmadega meesterahvas olla see, kelleks teda pead ning väga paljud on silmakirjalikud ning naistega mängijad. Sealt õppisin olema nende öeldud lausete kohta kriitiline ja aru saama, mida ma tegelikult tahan. Õppisin ka, et peresisene kliima võib olla väga armastav ning et vanematevaheline suhe saab olla terve ka hoolimata aeg-ajalt tekkivatest tülidest ja arusaamatustest ja mõlemad vanemad saavad koos lapsi kasvatada.
See andis mulle lootust, et on võimalik leida vastus küsimusele, kuidas leida selline kaaslane enda kõrvale, kelle pärast oleks võimeline enda nahast välja pugema, et teda aidata või tahaks igal hommikul üles tõusta, et teda näha ning kuulata mis tal päriselt öelda on, temaga vaielda ning ära leppida, ilma et kujuneks arvamust "ta teeb seda alati", teha asju, mida muidu ei julgeks ning olla päriselt, hingeliselt õnnelik ja armunud ning pingutada, et suhe oleks veelgi tugevam.
Minevik kujundab olevikku ja tulevikku
Ma olen vastassugupooltesse alati väga kriitiliselt suhtunud, alates 17-aastasest peale. Olen neid alati pidanud erilisteks, omapärasteks, samas aga ei ole kunagi meeste seas valitsevate libekeeltega kaasa läinud ning enda meelest olen alati olnud kahe jalaga maa peal (välja arvatud üks kord kui tõesti reeglid ei lugenud, sest tuline tunne oli tugevam ning veel üks kord kui lihtsalt tahtsin olla nagu teisedki teismelised. Samas aga ma tean enda piire ning teadsin ka tollal mis võib juhtuda-ehk siis põhjuse ja tagajärje seost.) Tean, et mu ema võib mulle siinkohal vastu vaielda kahe jalaga maa peal oleku kohta, sest nii temal kui ka mu USA emal oli tihti mind raske poistest eemal hoida. Mu enda ema on mind üritanud lihtsalt pahandustest säästa ning kaitsta ning tean et see kõik oli vajalik, et ma ei teeks valesid valikuid enda elus ning pea ees tulle ei jookseks. Tiinekana pidasin seda tobedaks kontrollimiseks, kuid ajapikku olen seda õppinud mõistma, miks paljude asjade kohta on vaja hirmujutte rääkida või pahandada, sest vanemad ei tea, mida nende isepäised tütred ette võivad võtta.
Teisalt aga ei oleks ma mitte kunagi õppinud suhete kohta seda, mida olen enda kogemuste kaudu saanud. Teiste jutud ja kogemused ei olnud minu jaoks piisavad. Ma tahtsin ise olla ja teha ning näha.
Ma ei ole kunagi pooldanud ainult üht suhet elu jooksul, sest kust saab teada, kas see mees on õige ning kas ta äkki ei muutu totaalseks jobuks kannapöörde pealt.
Unelmate prints?!
Üks hea moodus teada saada varjuküljest, milline mees on ning milliseks ta muutub, on vaadata ta perekonda ning vanemaid, eriti mehi ta perekonnas (isa ja vanaisa.) Mehed teadupärast valivad väga tihti enda isa või vanaisa eeskujuks ning tahavad olla nende moodi. Samuti on isa või vanaisa ning nende käitumine enda naistega neile ainus viis teada saada, mida ise teha ning kuidas naissugupoolega käituda.
Toon näite.
Kui vanaisa on olnud alkoholi tarbija ning käitunud enda naisega halvasti, siis väike poiss, olles vanaema-vanaisa juures märkab seda ning suureks kasvades endale teadvustamata võtab üle samasuguse mustri ning annab alateadlikult selle edasi ka enda pojale, kes on valinud enda isa enda eeskujuks. Ja need peremudelid kestavad kaua-kaua kuni keegi selle ahela lõpetab, otsustades mitte olla nagu isa ning tahtes olla parem. Sellest aga tuleb ka välja see, et kurba elu on võimalik ära hoida, tehes teadlikke valikuid ning hoides silmad lahti enda kaaslase ja tema pere suhtes ning olles aus nii enda kui kaaslase suhtes, sest võib-olla ei armastata üksteist päriselt ning ainult arvatakse, et küll ma suudan ta ümber kasvatada või küll ta suhtes olles muutub-Ei muutu. Vanale koerale on keeruline trikke õpetada!
Tihti märgatakse suhte alguses ainult häid asju, üritades halvad asjad ja omadused märkamata jätta. Head omadused võivad olla näiteks eesmärgile orienteeritus, töökus, täpsus, kohusetundlikkus jpm. Samas aga ei märgata seda näiteks, et ta ei räägi palju enda minevikust, ega tunnetest või toob õlle joomiseks ettekäändeid või lubab, aga ei talita enda sõnade järgi ning püüab meeleheitlikult olla keegi teine, kui tegelikkuses on.
Ja pikapeale hakkab tunduma, et kaaslane ongi ideaalne ning "unelmate prints" ning abielu oleks ideaalne järgmine samm, sest tema ongi see, kellega pere luua ning keda otsinud oleme, ja siis lapsed. Tundub justkui loogiline ahel, mida teha. Ja alles siis kui kõik on kindel ning tundub ideaalne, hakkavad välja tulema vead ning omadused, mida enne justkui tähele ei pannud
Lihtne on asju kahe silma vahele jätta, sest ei kulutata aega teise inimese sisemiselt tundma õppimise peale vaid tahetakse kuhugi kiirustada. Aga kuhu meil ometi kiire on?
Miks ei võiks lihtsalt koos olla paar aastat, et olla kindel, et inimene on ikka See, kes ta olema peaks ning enne suhtesse astumist olema endas kindel nii, et ei tormaks suhtesse, arvates, et teine inimene teeb õnnelikuks.
Ja olles koos, kas siis paberite järgi või mitte, hakatakse enda tegu kahetsema ning partnerit vihkama ja süüdistama. Samas aga oli see inimese enda valik, kellega koos elama hakatakse ning kedagi ei ole mõtet süüdistada, sest see oli nende valik, võib-olla mitte teadlik.
Video analüüs
Videos Pre-date küsib mees, kes läheb enda naisterahvaga kohtuma, et kui see siin on kohtingu eelne kohting, siis kas pärast seda on võimalik, et me läheme päris kohtingule ning küsitleja mees vastab selle peale, et loodame väga, et nii see on.
Ja hakkab Facebooki piltide allkirju lahti mõtestama, näiteks öölauake voodi kõrval-
one night stand, võib väga hästi anda edasi mehe tegelikku loomust, kuigi mees seda eitab, et ei ole olnud üheöösuhetes alates kolledžist.
Paljud inimesed on suhete alguses üritanud endast väga head muljet jätta, jättes paljud asjad rääkimata.
Videos aga kui küsitleja mees küsib küsimusi nagu Justin Bieber või Justin Timberlake, siis sellel on varjatud tähendus, sest need kaks meest teevad üsna sarnast, aga erinevat muusikat, samas on paljudele meestele eeskujuks enda käitumise või riietumisstiili poolest. Seega oli see hea küsimus.
Või küsimus kas tuled põlevad või on kustus. Samuti võib olla väga kahemõtteline. Võttes seda seksuaalselt poolelt, siis ilmselt mees eelistab enda fantaasiaid naise tegelikule kehale. Mõtlen selle all otseselt pimedas seksi. Seega ta võib-olla ei pruugi hoolida, kuidas naine välja näeb ning mida naine tahab, vaid tähtis on ainult see, et mees end hästi tunneks.
Kui asi muutus aga keerukamaks Freedom of choice or freedom of religion (vabadus valikule või vabadus usule/ uskumisele), siis ta ei oska sellele vastata. Ilmselgelt näitab, et ta ei viitsi süübida teemasse sügavamalt, seega võib-olla ei viitsi ta ka süübida suhtesse, vaid on pigem pinnapealne ning armastab naist selle tõttu, kes ta väljast poolt on. Ilu aga on vaid vaataja silmades ning ilu üksinda ei kindlusta veel edukust ega head suhet.
Sõnakombinatsioon annab samuti väga hea ja lühikese ülevaate
Romance-novels (romantika-raamatutes)
wedding-expensive (pulmad-kallis)
See ütleb kõik
Ning eriti palju ütleb veel see kui video lõpus mees palub, et teda koju viidaks ning kui oleks olnud päris kohtingul, oleks palunud, et naine teda koju sõidutaks. Milline mees aga sõltub naisest sellisel viisil? Mina arvaksin, et ta teeb lihtsalt nalja.
Esialgu palub, et naine ta koju sõidutaks, koos olles palub, et ta saaks naise autot laenata, siis kaotab töö ja tahab raha laenata ning et naine talle koju õlut ostaks ning et naine koristaks ja lapsed kuhugi mujale viiks, sest nad karjuvad ja ei lase tal telekat vaadata?
Lühikeste küsimuste kaudu tuleb välja mehe tegelik loomus.
Suhte alguses aga ei ole piisavalt julgust, et neid küsimusi küsida, arvates, et partner võib pahandada või solvuda.
Aga kui see ei olnud kahemõtteline, vaid lihtsalt küsimustele vastamine?
Jah, oletame, et see oli lihtsalt kokkusattumus ning ta vastas lihtsalt ilma kahemõttelisuseta, et ta meelest on Justin Timberlake'i muusika lahedam kui baby Bieber'i oma ning ta oli liiga närvis, et hakata sügavat diskussiooni arendama teemal kas vabadus usule või valikule ning ta enda vanemad ei olnud romantikud, ega ka abielus, seega ta ei poolda otseselt romantilisi kohtinguid, sest on reaalset tüüpi ning üsna igav ning ei plaani ka abielluda.
Oletame ka, et ta auto oli lihtsalt paranduses nii et ta ei saanud ise kohtingule minna ning sõber pidi ta sinna sõidutama. Kuidas aga seletada seda lauset, mida ta enne autost väljumist ütles, et see on ta geniaalne samm, et pärast esimest kohtingut on automaatne teine kohting tulemas ning naine saab ta koju viia. Naine aga, kes seda ei kuulnud, ei oleks mehe loomusest võib-olla enne vea tegemist teadagi saanud.
Kahjuks aga naine seda ei oleks kuulnud ning ei oleks ka aru saanud, millise mehega tegu on.
Kui meil oleks võimalik enne päris kohtingut näha teise inimese päris loomust ning olla külma närviga aus enda ja teise suhtes, siis oleks maailmas palju õnnelikke perekondi, ei oleks vaja abieluvara lepinguid, ega advokaate, kes määravad, kellele lapsed jäävad. Kui vaid jätkuks südikust, et teada, mida tahta ning julgust otse küsida. See ei ole ju nii raske, või tegelikult ikka on?!
******************************************************************************************************************************************************************
So I happened to find this video that inspired me to write.
The more I hear those kind of stories, the more they somehow
amaze me, the stories about relationships how people are not satisfied with
what they have and who they live together with.
There is one very good question for it in English: How come you got together with
him/her?
Something
to think about
Take a
second to think about that. Are you in a satisfying relationship at the moment?
Would you rather want to be alone or with your partner ? Are you in love with
him/her after being together after a couple of years of dating/ marriage? Do
you want changes? Do you do everything to make this work and that the
relationship would be happy and strong or you have given up? Why, what
happened?
Take as much time as you need and write down your opinion about it and answer
these questions.
About
the video
In the
beginning of the video man’s friend asks Steve (that is the one’s name who goes
on a date): What do you know about this chick? Steve says that he only knows
that her name is Rachel and that they met at a party. He doesn’t know anything
else about her. Meanwhile he, of course, has the picture of Rachel in front of
his eyes from the party night when they met how she looked alike.
But is this picture good enough for a first expression?
Let’s just guess for a second that he saw a beautiful woman at the party and
fell for her, because of her looks, pretty eyes, hair, body or whatnot.
But what was she like from the inside, he doesn’t know that, like a lot of
people don’t know who their partner really inside of themselves is, they only
think they know him/her.
This
reminds me of one of the little quote I read once:
You know how people buy drinks for girls in the bars? Why can't people do that in book stores? Like if I'm looking at a novel in Barnes and Noble and some person walks up a conversation and offers to buy the book for me there is a lot better chance of that working out in their favor.
My
relationships and changes within times
I am one of
those people who agrees with the quote, I understand about it that when preferring
book readers to alcohol consumers.
As I haven’t
consumed alcohol for 6 months at all and 1,5 years every once and a while a
glass of wine, i have noticed the quality of relationships have changed within
the time. Within couple of years I have started to notice more about men’s
quality. I judge
them by the way they could hold on a decent conversation with me, without
becoming lame or starting to make nasty jokes and to understand mine point of
view as well.
People who are surrounding me have changed within these 4 years. The majority
of my friends are non-drinkers and men, who I am honored to have as my
companions are smart and they move on their track towards their dreams, not
just on the work-Friday party-Saturday hangover trail.
I feel
grateful, because looking back into the time when I was in the beginning of my
path, I could have chosen the one that guided me to bad people, unhappy
relationship and sad life.
Luckily I decided the right path and better way, because inside myself I felt
like the other one wasn’t just good enough for me.
I got my life experience from my exchange year in USA, I learned a lot about
men and family relations.
I learned that not always men with pretty eyes can tell the truth and a lot of
them are just players and two-faced. They taught me to be critical with every
sentence they said and really think if their values suit with my own values towards
life or not. I also learned a lot about the atmosphere inside the family, that it
could be very loving and the relationship between parents could be very healthy,
besides the problems and troubles that everyone certainly have every so often
and that both parents can raise the kids together.
This gave
me the hope that I could find the answer for my question how to find the right
partner beside me, for who I would crawl out of my skin to help him or be glad
to wake up in the morning just to see him or to listen what he really has to
say or argue without having permanent opinion about him “being always this color”,
to do things with him that I wouldn’t have courage to do on my own and to be
really, truly happy deep in my soul. This is the partner I wanted to find
beside me.
Past creates the presence and the future.
I have always been very critical towards opposite sex, starting already at the age of 17. I have always thought they are special and a bit strange at the same time, at the same time I have never gone along with those easy-go-along guys, who think they could get any girl they want to just by snapping at them. In my opinion I have always stood on the Earth with my feel (except one time when the rules didn't matter and the feeling of love was stronger than anything else and the other time when I just wanted to be like any other teenager, wild and free. At the same time I knew my boundaries and I knew the connection between situation and result.) I know my mom could tell me off at this point, by me standing on the ground with my both feel, because she and my American mom sometimes had hard time to get me away from boys.
My own mom has tried to save me from getting into troubles and to protect me every way she could and I know that this has always been necessary, so I wouldn't make wrong decisions in my life. I thought it was stupid controlling when I was teenager, but now I have started to appreciate it and understand why there is sometimes good to overreact or tell bad stories or yell.
On the other hand, if I hadn't experienced these things on my own, I would have never learnt what I learned from my own stories.Other people's stories and experiences just weren't good enough for me.
I have never thought that it is good to have just one relationship in life, because how can you be sure that the man is right for you, if you only have got to know him and how can you be sure that when in the first moment he is a nice guy that he wouldn't turn into a**hole within the next moment?
Prince of the dreams?!
One good thing to get to know what the man really is like and what he will be like, shady side of him, is to look at his family, his parents, especially men in his family (father, grandfather.) Men often take their father or grandfather as their role model and want to be like them, conciously or unconciously. In addition, the behaviour they see in the family, the way the role model treats women seems right for them and they will possibly follow the line. (Try it out, look inside your male partner's family)
I give you an example.
If grandfather has been a drinker and treated his woman badly, they boy who spends time at his grandparents' home notices it and when being a grown-up he unconsciously follows the same chain and unconsciously passes it also on to his son, who has picked his dad as his role model. And these "role model's chains" can last for a long, long time, until someone ends it or just decides to be better then his dad or granddad.
Therefor, this also means that we can prevent getting into bad lives or relationships, just only if we would be honest with ourselves and our partners and only if we would keep our eyes open and notice more and think more about the future and about relationships. Because maybe you just think you love each other and think that you can change him-truth is you can't and it is difficult, if not impossible to teach old dog tricks.
Very often people notice only good things when starting a new relationship, trying not to see all the bad things and sides of partner.
Good sides could be for instance hard-workingness, punctuality etc. Meanwhile not noticing the rest of the bad ones, like he is not talking about his past or feelings or makes excuses for drinking or promises things he knows he will not want to do and desperately trying to be someone else in order other person to like her/him. When being with a person for a while it starts to feel like he is the magic prince or she is the princess and everything seems so perfect that they want to get married and have kids. It seems like a logical step and after everything is so secure then they start showing the real themselves and this is when all the mistakes and dislikes start coming out that they didn't bother to notice before, until it was too late.
It is very easy to leave things unnoticed, because people usually don't spend time on getting to know who the other person is inside themselves, because it is too much trouble and everybody want to hurry with relationships. But why, where exactly are we hurrying?
Why wouldn't they just be together for a while so they get to know who the other person really is and then if being really really sure that Him or Her is the right person, then getting married. And also making sure that they are not rushing into another relationship because they think that other person could make them happy.
Analyzing the video
In the video Pre-date that this post is about, asks man (Steve) from the "interviewer" that if he is on pre-date at this moment will he be heading on to the next date after that with Rachel. And he receives an answer that this could be the possibility. And then interviewer starts asking explanations about pictures he has in his Facebook, like he has a table and under the picture there is title "one night stand". This could give on man's real person, even though he says he hasn't had one night stands since college.
A lot of them in the beginning of a relationship try to give on a good expression on themselves and they leave a lot of things in the air by not saying anything.
The interviewer in the video asks simple comparings like would you rather pick Justin Timberlake or Justin Bieber, this also has a secrecy in it, because even though these men make similar, but different kind of music they are still role models for some of the men by the way they dress or treat women. So this was a good statement. Or if the lights are on or off. This is two-faced question. To look the question from sexual side, then possibly man would rather have sex with his fantasies rather than the woman he is together with and by this i mean having sex when lights are off. This could also mean that he would not care about woman's feelings but he is the on who needs to be taken care of and he is the one that needs to feel good.
When statements got complicated like Freedom of choice or freedom of religion he didn't know how to answer for it. This obviously shows that he doesn't bother to get deep into relationship to figure out the real point of it and he could possibly love women by the way she looks, not the way she thinks. The beauty is only in the viewer's eyes and beauty alone doesn't make relationships last.
Another answers like
Romance-novels
or
wedding-expensive
give also a good picture of him and about his values. In the end of the video he uses his secret move he was planning to use on the woman by asking her to give him ride home. What kind of a man would depend on a woman like that? I would think he is joking.
At first he would ask the woman to take him home, then when living together he wants to borrow her car, then losing the job asks to borrow money, then asks woman to buy beer for him and that she would clean the house and take care of kids and takes kids away from the livingroom, because he cannot watch TV....
With only short statements or questions man's real man comes out. In the beginning of the relationship there is usually not enough courage to ask these questions honestly by thinking that partner could take it offensively.
Okay, let's pretend that these answers were just coincidence
That he just thought that Justin Timberlake's music is cooler than baby Bieber's and he was too nervous to get into a deep conversation about religion or choice and his own parents weren't married, so he wouldn't want to become involved this way or he is not a romantic type of guy. Also let's pretend that his car was just getting fixed and he couldn't come on his own. But how to explain the sentence he told before getting out of the car, that this is his genius step that after having a first date there will definitely be a second date in a row and woman will definitely give him ride home.
Unfortunately the woman couldn't hear it so is she would have taken him for granted she would have followed the line and later got to know what kind of man he really was and what he just thought he was.
If we would have a chance to see what the other person is like before having a real first date and be awfully honest towards ourselves and our partners then there would be more happy families, we wouldn't need no marriageproperty or whatsitcalled contracts, no lawyers who decide who will get the kids. If only we just would have the courage to know what we want and the courage to ask straight from the other person. It isn't so difficult, or is it really?!
